rambles, poems, braindroppings, and stories

been checkin out famous movies that are public domain ...watching "the last man on earth" right now

" They broke their backs lifting Moloch to Heaven! Pavements, trees, radios, tons! lifting the city to Heaven which exists and is everywhere about us! Visions! omens! hallucinations! miracles! ecstasies! gone down the American river! Dreams! adorations! illuminations! religions! the whole boatload of sensitive bullshit! Breakthroughs! over the river! flips and crucifixions! gone down the flood! Highs! Epiphanies! Despairs! Ten years' animal screams and suicides! Minds! New loves! Mad generation! down on the rocks of Time! Real holy laughter in the river! They saw it all! the wild eyes! the holy yells! They bade farewell! They jumped off the roofl to solitude! waving! carrying flowers! Down to the river! into the street! " -Allen Ginsberg

" You load sixteen tons, what do you get Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store"

" O highway I travel, do you say to me Do not leave me? Do you say Venture not - if you leave me you are lost? Do you say I am already prepared, I am well-beaten and undenied, adhere to me? O public road, I say back I am not afraid to leave you." -whitman

after a lonely night i wake up with glimpses of nightmares, but i gotta carry on...the fight. self reflection ringing in my head, there's no alternative to the presence of a fellow human being. the extreme highs and lows will tire your soul but without passion there is no man. time will never fade, and i am afraid, that i will succumb to my fears once again. but please, tell me, is there excitement in the suburbs of new jersey?

it looks like we aren't going to have electricity for a long time, and as a result we are realizing how dependent we are to electricity and the convenience it provides. we complain about electronics like TVs and computers frequently but when the lights go out we feel empty and confused. on the other hand, today felt more real, as if normally the days pass us through like electric dreams leaving us with vague notions of what transpired each day.

sometimes i wonder is technology making us dumb?  i too like to listen to my mp3 player or play with my digital camera, but i still distrust technology. frequently i see people walking on the street looking at what else, their smart phones, while avoiding each other's stare. i like to think of technology as a tool, but is it possible that computers are controlling us? i find myself jealous of my parents, their computer disabilities and their opportunity to grow up in a time when you didnt need facebook to communicate with your friends, because most days i wake up and go on my computer.

"You better not talk to me till ive had my cup of joe You dont know what it takes and youll never fucking know How hard it is to stand here and pretend I fucking care But when Ive got my coffee at least it helps me bare Ive been up all night And now im stuck at work Please someone just kill me now Or pour another cup. [Chorus] Death before decaf everyday Death before decaf its the only fucking way Death Before decaf" dead rejects - "death before decaf"

im looking forward to the beginning of september. i love the empty beaches, the cool but still warm weather, and the exit of the bennys and rich college kids who you went to high-school with.

all these questions inside my head confusing daily thoughts. growing ever great. just let go. accept that you have little control and try to make a difference in the world. being the good guy is always a shitty job with less than minimum wage. i got so many dreams and i might have to pass them by because im better than that. it's so hard, this life.

be quiet and dont confess my secrets coz ill do anything to hide from it all- the longer i wait the more pressure i feel. less places to hide and the lonelier i am. no girl at the end of the tunnel only darkness and coldness. voices inside my head yell sardonic jokes and laugh at my innocence. hope is lost.

im an atheist and yet i have faith in many forms of life. so what if i dont believe in a god? i still strive to be a good person while fucking up on the way. as i grow older i travel deeper in my own imaginary world and form delusional beliefs on the significance of my life. but seriously, i respect good people who are religious because in some ways i am that same person minus the religion. i hold on to a good book like it is my salvation to a better life, and i hope that i can be a better person before i go to hell for being an atheist.

seriously some people are paranoid as fuck! im tired of people who are quick in the mind but have such narrow sight. although i dont get pissed at most of the fucked up shit i see everyday, it's the small malicious actions which reflect that they do not care about other people's feelings that gets me mad.

i am underemployed working a part-time job parking rich people's cars and yet i am satisfied at this moment. although i have a lot of college debt i do not make enough money to pay if off and therefore the federal government cannot bill me until i make more money. stalling out a porsh is the only worry on my mind these days, life is good. it's weird how life can change in little time.

i cant remember the last time i cried it's probably been over ten years since i have cried. crying isnt exactly what people enjoy doing but i feel like not crying for as long as i have is unnatural, or at least weird.

in the summer of 1999 she came to our family skinny and youthful. unfortunately she has suffered from seizures and is now almost blind. as her last days come to an end she finds happiness obstructing cars in the driveway and investigating random tarps.

everyday that i hear more about my college debt i get depressed :(

my father delivers pizza, he used to be a banker, he's lost his job every recession. he works hard, working at a job is all that he knows. he wants to provide for his family and make them have a decent life. as he's gotten older he gets more bitter. recently his hopes to attain the american dream and live a comfortable retirement have diminished. he holds on to his few possessions.

i have a gift for finding new fantasies that i can dive into. home can be an angry, sad, or scary place, sometimes i gotta find happiness in a fantasy to take a vacation from my reality.

now that it's all over you feel the sadness you once created. there were many opportunities to make her feel better but you chose popularity and glory. maybe it would have failed in the end, but that's no excuse. and the worst of all is she'll probably never know how sorry you are.

i want to read a book that never ends, it is so sad to finish a good book, but then you start another book and it's addictive, you forget about the sadness.

i got wrongfully arrested when i was 18 on saint patrick's day

dont you want the glory of fighting a battle that cant be won? succeeding for a moment just to get back at your enemies. who cares about your philosophy? everything is gonna turn to dirt you might as well let the fire burn. so much hypocrisy. i wanna feel the ultimate emotions and reassure my doubts, because living in fear is no way to live. victory without repercussions is my dream.

never thought i'd say it, but I miss going to school, no not college, i miss high school, junior high, and middle school. i remember hating getting up early and having to take that yellow school bus everyday, yet today i look back at those memories and they feel warm and full of excitement. playing some wall-ball at recess or indoor soccer in gym, and messing around with your friends at lunch time, they were the good times.

recently i started running, not for competition or anything, but for my enjoyment. it's a time to be by myself and think, kind of like meditation or some shit-like-that. of course im gonna be competitive eventually, those mother-fuckers won't be expecting it too. Yep.

i want to know her so much better, but she isnt interested. shes nice about it, as nice as she can be, but the denial hurts like she was being mean about it. "just friends" these words are like a dagger to hear, and yet you have to accept them, because if you dont she will be gone forever.

capitalism doesn't care about its people at all. capitalism allows the world's biggest problems to grow like global-warming and the overpopulation of our world, while pretending to solve these problems with money. capitalism is the world's biggest religion promoting sacrifice of our minds and bodies for so-called progress.

my dad hangs out with his one friend more than i hang out with all of my friends, and it's not like my dad hangs out with his friend much, probably about 5 times a year. gonna chill with a friend who i know from freshman year of college and who was gonna room with me the following year, but decided to drop out instead. let's see how this goes...

a lot of life consists of waiting- complaining about the present moment and waiting for the fresh fruits of the future. always waiting for SOMETHING to happen as if anything will be much different from the moment you have right now.

staying up late and drinking coffee while reading mark twain. man, life is pretty awesome right now. i just starting ready mark twain's "life on the mississippi", barely read any of it, but it's amazingly addictive. im not usually into nonfiction, but the way he writes it's like he's a witty friend just telling you a story. anyways i'm alone, however tonight im totally satisfied with it.

i try so hard to make things my way and to not betray my beliefs. but more often than not i make the sacrifice because i know that in order to accomplish great things you gotta be better than others. sometimes i catch myself trying to be perfect and i purposely mess up, and then watch the fire burn.

i am so tired of having my family rely on me for everything and not getting the credit. my father acts like a child and yet i am supposed to respect him. my little brother says that i dont have enough patience for him and i have to try harder. i simple have too much pressure and im about burst. i dont care if i dot get a job soon, but im trying like hell to get one like it's an emergency because i cant stand being in this house with my father and his bitterness. i applied to mcdonalds today, a job that would make me miserable, but i dont care because i am more miserable at home. i could go on and on with these feelings, but i wont. i already feel better having written all this down.

im afraid for when my little brother, tate, moves out of the house. i will be alone with my parents who dont get along. i will need to find new hobbies, friends, and change my strategies at home. not everything will change, my bro will live close and i will visit often. im just afraid of the little changes...but change is a way of life, and without it life would be boring.

back to looking for a job. the feeling of desperately searching for a job everywhere you go, and then getting denied. it's not like im applying to GOOD jobs, i go for the lowest ones, and the funniest thing is i have an accounting degree. people ask me "why do you want this job." it's like they dont want to give me a shitty job because they think im up to no good. yeah...

im actually afraid of success. i dont want to admit it, but i kind of enjoy staying on the sidelines and complaining about how stupid the popular kids are. i know that im a smart person and im going to have to take the leap some day, though that day isnt today, and when it does ill try not to fall down so quickly.

all this remembering is killing me. i need something to hold on to, something that will last forever, because if it doesn't it's all gonna crumble and fall apart. as i get older i feel this depreciation of life, but i dont think about it that way anymore. i can't. there's too little time to ponder how scary it all is, i just gotta live and celebrate this mystery and wonder. so happy to be a part of life. just thinkin' when is it all gonna end?

the worst sound i can imagine is the fighting of my parents. they both blame one another and that leads to more arguing. their selves defy each other constantly. they play the same game and act like there is change. it's a fight of ideas and who is right. they act like young children sometimes and then expect respect. it's all kind of sad, but it's what i know, and because of the fighting i have a large tolerance for fights and anger. i want things to get better, but when they do i have an ability to find flaws everywhere. it's funny. no matter how bad things get I always find a way to be happy.

it's been awhile that i just go and enjoy somebody. been alone these past days and years. i used to be more active. i think it's time, time for a change. i got girls to kiss and successes to be made. before i was denying my future, but im ready to take what's mine. even though it aint exactly like the dream i had. im gonna fall again someday, but i dont care no more. it will be worth the fight. what's a life without problems? i got excitement and something new to learn from. im gonna be okay.

sometimes i'm so busy doing work and trying to make my family happy that i forget to make time for myself. and whne i have free time and things change i dont know how to spend it. how sad. im so used to being occupied.