rambles, poems, braindroppings, and stories

staying up late and drinking coffee while reading mark twain. man, life is pretty awesome right now. i just starting ready mark twain's "life on the mississippi", barely read any of it, but it's amazingly addictive. im not usually into nonfiction, but the way he writes it's like he's a witty friend just telling you a story. anyways i'm alone, however tonight im totally satisfied with it.

i try so hard to make things my way and to not betray my beliefs. but more often than not i make the sacrifice because i know that in order to accomplish great things you gotta be better than others. sometimes i catch myself trying to be perfect and i purposely mess up, and then watch the fire burn.

i am so tired of having my family rely on me for everything and not getting the credit. my father acts like a child and yet i am supposed to respect him. my little brother says that i dont have enough patience for him and i have to try harder. i simple have too much pressure and im about burst. i dont care if i dot get a job soon, but im trying like hell to get one like it's an emergency because i cant stand being in this house with my father and his bitterness. i applied to mcdonalds today, a job that would make me miserable, but i dont care because i am more miserable at home. i could go on and on with these feelings, but i wont. i already feel better having written all this down.

im afraid for when my little brother, tate, moves out of the house. i will be alone with my parents who dont get along. i will need to find new hobbies, friends, and change my strategies at home. not everything will change, my bro will live close and i will visit often. im just afraid of the little changes...but change is a way of life, and without it life would be boring.

back to looking for a job. the feeling of desperately searching for a job everywhere you go, and then getting denied. it's not like im applying to GOOD jobs, i go for the lowest ones, and the funniest thing is i have an accounting degree. people ask me "why do you want this job." it's like they dont want to give me a shitty job because they think im up to no good. yeah...

im actually afraid of success. i dont want to admit it, but i kind of enjoy staying on the sidelines and complaining about how stupid the popular kids are. i know that im a smart person and im going to have to take the leap some day, though that day isnt today, and when it does ill try not to fall down so quickly.

all this remembering is killing me. i need something to hold on to, something that will last forever, because if it doesn't it's all gonna crumble and fall apart. as i get older i feel this depreciation of life, but i dont think about it that way anymore. i can't. there's too little time to ponder how scary it all is, i just gotta live and celebrate this mystery and wonder. so happy to be a part of life. just thinkin' when is it all gonna end?

the worst sound i can imagine is the fighting of my parents. they both blame one another and that leads to more arguing. their selves defy each other constantly. they play the same game and act like there is change. it's a fight of ideas and who is right. they act like young children sometimes and then expect respect. it's all kind of sad, but it's what i know, and because of the fighting i have a large tolerance for fights and anger. i want things to get better, but when they do i have an ability to find flaws everywhere. it's funny. no matter how bad things get I always find a way to be happy.

it's been awhile that i just go and enjoy somebody. been alone these past days and years. i used to be more active. i think it's time, time for a change. i got girls to kiss and successes to be made. before i was denying my future, but im ready to take what's mine. even though it aint exactly like the dream i had. im gonna fall again someday, but i dont care no more. it will be worth the fight. what's a life without problems? i got excitement and something new to learn from. im gonna be okay.

sometimes i'm so busy doing work and trying to make my family happy that i forget to make time for myself. and whne i have free time and things change i dont know how to spend it. how sad. im so used to being occupied.