rambles, poems, braindroppings, and stories

“One step beyond that boundary line which resembles the line dividing the living from the dead lies uncertainty, suffering, and death. And what is there? Who is there?—there beyond that field, that tree, that roof lit up by the sun? No one knows, but one wants to know. You fear and yet long to cross that line, and know that sooner or later it must be crossed and you will have to find out what is there, just as you will inevitably have to learn what lies the other side of death. But you are strong, healthy, cheerful, and excited, and are surrounded by other such excitedly animated and healthy men.” So thinks, or at any rate feels, anyone who comes in sight of the enemy, and that feeling gives a particular glamour and glad keenness of impression to everything that takes place at such moments." Tolstoy- War and Peace

it was about 12 midnight last saturday night. i had heard that the peruvian government would put an international travel ban the next day. i was freaking out that night, i could barely sleep. how and when could i get back to the usa? now im on the 6th day. i feel happy and free. since saturday night i have started to work some online each day teaching chinese students english. i have so much time throughout the day to eat, sleep, listen to music, binge on netflix, read, study spanish, while drinking tons of tea. i realized that i have no control in this situation. all i can do is enjoy my time. it is almost 100 degrees here everyday, but during the quarantine i have stayed cool in my room all day, taking multiple cold showers, and staying out of the sun. whenever i go outside i go to the supermarket or the convenience store known as 'el mega' here. sometimes in the supermarket i have to wait 10 minutes or so in a long line, yet i do not care. i have so little time around...

in the morning, blasting, the señora puts the television on in the kitchen while she prepares the meals, the television is loud so she can hear it everywhere in the house, then she goes up to the rooms and puts on the same program, cleaning, constant cleaning, everyday routine, sweeping the floor, changing the sheets. at lunch time the noise has a soothing effect. people chatting away, eating, spoon and fork hit plate, laughter and warmth. so easy to fall asleep, deep, easy-going sleep. all the food weighs down, heavy, unable to walk anymore, the heat, on the bed and 2 hours later you wake up feeling like you were drunk. what happened? in the night a man falls asleep with his light on, and the music is playing on youtube, it continues to play throughout the night, somehow the sharp light doesnt wake him up. even at 5am before the sunrise, the light is still on.

at first it seems easy, something mental, think cold thoughts, but then you hit a bump in the road, you realize that the heat is unbreakable, unstoppable, everyday, barely changing, unrestrained, piercing, never-sleeping, creeping at your back, you laughed, shrugging it off, no it cant affect me, and then you finally see it, the heat is not to fuck with.

Sometimes i think how spoiled we are these days. We like to complain. I know that i love to complain about trivial inconveniences- how other people have more money than me and how the world is unequal. Then i see the homeless. They live without a house, and dont have enough to eat, nor luxuries. I feel ashamed for my thoughts, for thinking that they are lazy. Why should i have a better life than them? That's simple, i am lucky. I have good family. I have been lucky throughout my life. Let's all give a little more to the people who have less.