rambles, poems, braindroppings, and stories

Everything gets blurred, what I thought was right changed because of her. It hasn't been much time but I have fallen for her. Maybe she is stronger than me or maybe I have more trust. It hurts when there is confusion but it isn't a concern of mine. I know the challenges of life because I have felt the wickedness of being unlucky in the past. Today is a new day and I want everything to be all right, I know this is an illusion at times but who cares? I think some people get jealous and don't want us to fly away because they don't feel the same way. I cant change the world but I can change my own life and for me that is enough forever... I don't think that I am immature at all. Sometimes I put a cover to hide my true feelings. I just want you to realize the pain and work I have put into this relationship of ours. You have given me so much, someone to talk about my problems with and someone to challenge my beliefs. To me this is important, I like that you are complex...

Thrift stores, the beach, camp fires, tea, all the pretty girls, the feeling of the night, bike rides, the way smoke drifts away, crazy summer storms, abandoned houses, old cars, climbing trees, strangers, big waves, trains, the sound of crickets, the smell of an old book, falling asleep with a girl, snow that cancels school, mangos, leftovers, candles, driving fast, finding money in an old coat, a shared secret, a windy autumn day, coming home after a hard run, driving downhill on a moto, singing without care for how you sound, snow on your tongue, getting lost in a national park, 15 hour bus rides, walking to work, baking cookies for family, caring for someone who is special to you, trying to stay up late and then falling asleep at 10pm, the way leaves dance in the wind, sand on your feet, spooning someone on a cold night, the first kiss, staying overnight at the airport and drinking lots of coffee, making changes in your life, meeting new friends, to be vulnerable, finally finis...

The connections we make with other people is everything we have. Even if we have disagreements or differences or other perspectives we must always talk to each other. Yes, sometimes it is painful to love and make a connection with someone. But this is all we have in life. 

  It was the spur of the moment kind of thing. I had been texting her for about a month from Tinder. Finally I was meeting her. Today was one of those magical Colombian days I'd occasionally experience where I felt like some kind of gringo myth. She rolled up with her moto and told me to hop on, I am not exaggerating when I say this but, she was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met, as she drove in the hot night her hair flew into my face. She started to teach me how to drive the moto, she let me take the wheel and had complete trust in me, even though I had never previously driven a moto. Why? Magic, this is my logical conclusion. And somehow she understood almost all of my poorly spoken Spanish. Afterwards I met her parents who seemed to think I was super cool. The plan was to go to the discoteca with her parents and friends. As always I attempted to dance but felt a little foolish, her parents proceeded to pour shots of aguardiente and encouraged me to get drunk. After...

 

Cold shower in the summer forever. The streets with speeding cars friday night. Thunder storms that crackle in the air with excitement. deer eating your veggie garden. Ice cream everyday with mint tea. and three weeks with no coffee😮

" Vengo en busca de respuestas Con el manojo lleno y las venas abiertas Vengo como un libro abierto Ansiosa de aprender la historia no contada de nuestros ancestros Con el viento que dejaron los abuelos y que vive en cada pensamiento De esta amada tierra, tierra Quien sabe cuidarlo es quien de verdad la quiere Vengo para mirar de nuevo para deducirlo y despertar el ojo ciego Sin miedo, tu y yo Descolonizamos lo que nos enseñaron Con nuestro pelo negro, con pómulos marcados Con el orgullo huido en el alma tatuado Vengo con la mirada, vengo con la palabra Esa palabra hablada, vengo sin temor a no perder nada" Ana Tijoux

we create happiness, not the machines nor the computers. we are beautiful people and with love we can achieve peace. but we need justice in order to have confidence in ourselves. people are tired of inequality. please let's work together to rid ourselves of this pestilence of racism. we all deserve equal rights! healthcare! we all deserve a chance to give meaning to our lives and the community.

i love to wake up early in the morning, see the sun rising, everything is quiet, only there are a few cars on the road, still it is chilly in the air, maybe i will read a little or listen to a podcast, it is a new day with new opportunities. I have a friend named Cassie. She said to me while we were drinking a couple of beers in Colombia, "the sun is like life." At the time this sounded something a hippie would say, but maybe Cassie is right.

“One step beyond that boundary line which resembles the line dividing the living from the dead lies uncertainty, suffering, and death. And what is there? Who is there?—there beyond that field, that tree, that roof lit up by the sun? No one knows, but one wants to know. You fear and yet long to cross that line, and know that sooner or later it must be crossed and you will have to find out what is there, just as you will inevitably have to learn what lies the other side of death. But you are strong, healthy, cheerful, and excited, and are surrounded by other such excitedly animated and healthy men.” So thinks, or at any rate feels, anyone who comes in sight of the enemy, and that feeling gives a particular glamour and glad keenness of impression to everything that takes place at such moments." Tolstoy- War and Peace

it was about 12 midnight last saturday night. i had heard that the peruvian government would put an international travel ban the next day. i was freaking out that night, i could barely sleep. how and when could i get back to the usa? now im on the 6th day. i feel happy and free. since saturday night i have started to work some online each day teaching chinese students english. i have so much time throughout the day to eat, sleep, listen to music, binge on netflix, read, study spanish, while drinking tons of tea. i realized that i have no control in this situation. all i can do is enjoy my time. it is almost 100 degrees here everyday, but during the quarantine i have stayed cool in my room all day, taking multiple cold showers, and staying out of the sun. whenever i go outside i go to the supermarket or the convenience store known as 'el mega' here. sometimes in the supermarket i have to wait 10 minutes or so in a long line, yet i do not care. i have so little time around...

in the morning, blasting, the señora puts the television on in the kitchen while she prepares the meals, the television is loud so she can hear it everywhere in the house, then she goes up to the rooms and puts on the same program, cleaning, constant cleaning, everyday routine, sweeping the floor, changing the sheets. at lunch time the noise has a soothing effect. people chatting away, eating, spoon and fork hit plate, laughter and warmth. so easy to fall asleep, deep, easy-going sleep. all the food weighs down, heavy, unable to walk anymore, the heat, on the bed and 2 hours later you wake up feeling like you were drunk. what happened? in the night a man falls asleep with his light on, and the music is playing on youtube, it continues to play throughout the night, somehow the sharp light doesnt wake him up. even at 5am before the sunrise, the light is still on.

at first it seems easy, something mental, think cold thoughts, but then you hit a bump in the road, you realize that the heat is unbreakable, unstoppable, everyday, barely changing, unrestrained, piercing, never-sleeping, creeping at your back, you laughed, shrugging it off, no it cant affect me, and then you finally see it, the heat is not to fuck with.

Sometimes i think how spoiled we are these days. We like to complain. I know that i love to complain about trivial inconveniences- how other people have more money than me and how the world is unequal. Then i see the homeless. They live without a house, and dont have enough to eat, nor luxuries. I feel ashamed for my thoughts, for thinking that they are lazy. Why should i have a better life than them? That's simple, i am lucky. I have good family. I have been lucky throughout my life. Let's all give a little more to the people who have less.

waking up late, peace and quiet, no music nor ice-cream vendor. in the park there are  trees, squirrels and pigeons. Imagine being happy to actually see a pigeon. After eating chancho I feel lazy. All the fat weighs down on me. The mango tastes like ice-cream, it is soft and melts in the mouth. I take a nap, then off to starbucks. Never have I found myself craving the mall in the past, here it is a refuge from the heat and sun, it has wifi and air conditioning, a true luxury.

A profesora invited me to lunch on a Saturday; little did I know that her three nephews and one niece would be there at the house. The profesora pointed to her niece and said to me “isn’t she beautiful?” Later I saw her niece laughing at her brothers while they were wrestling and fighting each other on the ground. I asked the niece about her book she had in her hand, and one of her brothers said “no puede leer.” Her oldest nephew asked me “vas a ayudar con los quizzes?” The profesora explained to me that the children help her grade. I told the kid, “no”.   For lunch we ate some delicious chicken, lentils and rice with salad. The children were hard to please, they didn’t like the food at all. The profesora and her mother cleaned off the table and swept under it. Apparently the niece had spilled a bunch of rice, but she denied it. “Mentiras! Niñas no dicen mentiras!” the profesora yelled. That’s when the boys started the fighting. To my surprise the profesora’s mother took out a wh...