why do anything? why get up early in the morning? why study? why travel? why? why?
I find myself having to answer these questions all the time from my students, so much so that I started asking myself these same questions. With the rise of technology and so much change people have trouble finding motivation. I think back to when I was a kid and I had similar concerns. How will math be useful when I am older? It is easy to get lost in our own little worlds and not imagine the possibilities. I have tried giving up, this too eventually became boring. A weird thing happened during so much social distancing from covid19, I started to crave what I used to claim to hate. Everything became upside-down. As I have gotten older I have gained more authority and learned that I have to become responsible for my own actions. I had to own my failures and successes. I have failed so many times that I have lost count. Now I ask myself what is failure? When I was a kid I used to measure this by what my friends wanted. Now I think more about my family and what I was taught as a child. How can I complain if I am the one with the power? Is that simply discontent? Uneasiness or nerves? Life. Renewal and constant change is all that I can expect and learning to to live with the cards that I have been given is in the end the easiest way. I wonder if struggle is what gets you through it all? When I have run marathons I usually start losing concentration at the end, I can't even think, I just run. After 3 hours and about 30 minutes my entire body aches with pain and my mind is slush, flowing in whichever direction. When all is said and done all that matters is that I finished. It is one of the best highs I have ever experienced. Is that what I am running after, the pleasure or the pain? If you think about it I already won a race as a little sperm. That means that I won the most important race of my life, simply be being born. As a human birth is a difficult aspect of life. Still today many babies die as they getting born. They say that consciousness is what makes us human. Is a fly that lives for 1 day conscious that it will die? I guess time will answer all these questions and if it doesn't then I might as well enjoy life and the infinite possibilities that it presents of the daily. Waking up and hearing the pouring rain, globalization, the mosquito that bites me, and all the other small details. Growing old and learning to love, meanwhile having to finally leave this beautiful world. In the end we are ants digging tunnels and following or leading. The more I think about the meaning of life the less I can construct a story.
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